Death By Shoulds

What should I be thinking about?

Top of Cherry Canyon looking Northeast to the San Gabriels

I find myself at the top of Cherry Canyon for the third time this week. This is a 12-mile round trip from my former home in Altadena. But now in Glendale it’s only a two and a half mile climb to the top of San Rafael Hill. From this vantage point I can see downtown Los Angeles, Santa Monica, Malibu, and if it’s clearer I can see the ocean and even Catalina Island. From my full 360-degree view I can see the San Gabriel Mountains to the northeast. I can tell where my usual route up Mt Lowe started because of the barren light brown hue amidst the swath of land denuded in the January fire. I wonder how many season changes it will take before the uniformity of the mountain and forest is restored, before green overwhelms the brown, before life overcomes death? Even though the high danger of fire has passed, the US Forest Service has closed the trails leading up the mountains at least until December to let the land begin to heal itself.

Inspiration Point at the top of Echo Mountain was a favorite destination for contemplating, but it too became a victim to the fire's destruction. Cherry Canyon is not as picturesque, but it works well as a place for contemplating and pondering troublesome thoughts. Staring off into the horizon, searching for the ocean to the southwest or the mountains to the northeast, I can do a sensory check, seeing if there is anything hinting at stress or anxiety.

Anxiety brought on by uncertainty seems to be a common malady these days. Overwhelmed by news overload, I try not to dwell in the land of despair or rile myself up into a state of hate. Instead I focus on the positive or look for beauty or do any other thing that will keep me tethered to positivity. So I wait until I have run myself into submission, when my legs and body have sufficiently exercised enough deep muscle activity that my mind, as well as the angst within my body, is ready for relief.

When I run uphill I try not to exert myself to the point of panting, but rather try to keep a steady cadence with my breathing still under control. By the time I make it to the top of Cherry Canyon, the demand for air from my oxygen deprived muscles has me gulping down deep breaths and my body follows suit as the demand for exertion gives way to the relief of rest. It’s in this place of restoring normal breathing and letting every muscle relax that I begin to think about the questions of the day.

Why did I run up here?

Post fire view of Mt Lowe

It’s too simple to say I’m up here for physical release from mental stress. There is always a deeper “Why?” followed by even deeper questions of “Why?” For the most part, my stress centers around the idea that someone or a group of someones is not acting in a way that I believe they “should” be.

“They should know better.” “They should be more aware.” “They should be more understanding.” .”They should be more kind.” “They should…they should…they should…”

But sometimes the finger points back at me and I’m looking at the mirror’s reflection of should. Self-conviction turns into self-condemnation as I demand a higher standard of “should” for myself. It’s easy to see how the defining factor of “should”, which dominated my formative years, has followed me into adulthood.

My authoritarian parents had a strong concept of “should”, defining every aspect of life in terms of how it should be, how it should happen, and all the necessary steps to make it so. If I studied hard in school, then I should get good grades. If I get good grades in primary, middle and high school, then I should qualify to get into a good college. If I do well in college then I should be able to get a good job and should become a contributing member of society. An intertwined network of “shoulds” defined the overarching trajectory of my life.

Looking South from Cherry Canyon with a view of downtown LA

From first through eighth grade I attended our local Catholic school. Not only did this school provide the initial opportunity for fulfilling my life plan of early “shoulds” in educational development, but it also gave me a moral and religious set of “shoulds” that would define my eternal outcome. I must admit that at a very young age I bought into the certainty of all the shoulds that were being presented to me. My entire life, if lived within the confines of well-defined sound living, should not only ensure a prosperous life here on earth but also should guarantee an eternity of heavenly bliss.

I believed very early on in life that a well-planned life trajectory should have been an incremental, logical, path to success. Instead, well-laid plans rarely equate to reality. I lost sight of the original shoulds a long time ago. Despite the disillusionment of reality, I realize in my present years I still hang onto quite a few shoulds.

My car should start every time I plan on driving it. The hot water should kick in every time I go to take a shower. The internet should have easy access every time I hop on WiFi. The baristas at my favorite coffee shop should know what I want the moment I walk in the door and they should be able to provide me with what should be the perfect drink every time. This last one, I realize, is not an exaggeration but something I truly believe! And the list of all the shoulds that I don’t even think twice about is a lot bigger than what I want to admit. Yes, my list of reliable shoulds is a list of things and sequences of events that are repeatable and have the outcome I expect nearly 100 percent of the time.

But as my breathing returns to normal, and I eat an Uncrustable defrosted peanut butter and jelly pocket sandwich, one of those things that works nearly every time to take the edge off my hunger, it’s not things or events that are adding to the anxiety over uncertainty in my life right now. My family and I continue to suffer through the after effects of an event that we never thought would happen to us. As we move forward with our lives we see the danger of falling into the quicksand of regret if we wallow in the trap of unfulfillable shoulds. No, I see those shoulds for what they are. Trying to do the impossible of using should-haves to correct the past is just crazy making.

I look out over the panorama of the greater Los Angeles area, marvelling at the density of civilization interspersed with the legacy of nature’s beauty on full display from the ocean to the mountains. Some areas are just greener than others, as if a broad brush were used to decorate the landscape. I come up here with the expectation that witnessing the present below me should bring me a sense of calm, a feeling of peace and comfort. This fleeting feeling that everything's the way it should be is a motivating factor that keeps me running up here. I should feel better every time I make this climb and I do.

But there are realities in life that I have no control over, that I can only wish could be different. I should know this already but that doesn’t stop me from hoping that all should work out the way I want it to.

I glance at my watch and realize I am going to stiffen up badly if I remain on the hill much longer. I should get going, but something compels me to stay a bit longer, feeling the breeze, feeling the sun, feeling into my feelings. What is it that I should be thinking about?

End of the Ridge Motorway heading up toward Cherry Canyon

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